The Kingdom Of Redonda: Ice Cricket World Cup

The flash Champagne / Cider/ Urine drinkers awoke the following morning with no obvious side effects from the night before & undertook a rigorous training session in the local park whilst the more 'frugal' members of the squad who had continued drinking Beer nursed their hangovers.

At 11am Evelin arrived & took us on tour of what must be one of Europes most beautiful Cities.
Our preconceptions of Estonia had been of Babushkas and rotting tower blocks, but Tallinn is a City with Chic new constructions twinned with a delightful old town that would grace any Chocolate Box.
I was disappointed that flash Cars roamed the street & that there were no sign of Trabants running on 2 Stroke fuel being steered by Dogs sitting on the drivers knee that I had expected to see

Our tour of the City ended inevitably in Molly Malones Sports Bar, where the Test Match was being shown. It was here that Nick Hales was approached by a Street Vendor pedalling Viagra. We explained that somebody know as 'The Corpse' was probably the least likely member of our party to need his wares & he left without making a sale, although several of the 'elder' member of the party left very shortly afterwards with a desperate need to visit the 'toilet'.

With the Competition looming and levels of nerves & excitement increasing, it was decided that the Squad needed a release & to burn of their energy & a Go Karting Competition was arranged between the North & South again upping the level animosity between supposed Team Mates

Following the Safety Briefing which consisted of ' there are the helmets, you can wear them if you want' we took to the grid & awaited the chequered flag.
Ali Jackson with testosterone coursing through his veins caused a massive pile up, nearly crippling several of his team mates & decapitating our Chaperone, which allowed Matt Crawley to pick his way through the wreckage & race unopposed to victory & in the process earning himself the first nomination for Redonda's Sports Personality Of The Year

For our Pre Tournament meal Evelin booked us into the Troika Russian Restaurant in the heart of the Town Square where we feasted on traditional Russian food which included Roast Bear & settled back to enjoy traditional Russian Dancers & Music. Andy Bowden also seemed to take on amazing psychic powers, due apparently to a small magic Dog called 'Jack' purchased from Romanian Gypsies
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During the festivities we received a disturbing text from Rob Croucher who was joining the squad a day late, & would be representing the North, to inform us that he was on his way & intended to 'Go large tonight'.
On previous Tours Rob has behaved like an over excited puppy,his flame burnt brightly but very briefly & he tended to blow himself out on the first night & was useless for any remaining days.
His text informing me that he was 'Going Large' the day before the Ice Cricket World Cup was akin to Andrew Flintoff telling the ECB he fancied a shandy & a play on the Pedalos the day before the biggest game of his life !!

Of equal concern was that Robs text triggered his room mate & fellow Northerner, Matt Crawley, to decide that the best way to deal with his own nerves was to increase his intake of Vodka & egged on by Southerner Russ Cole, with an evil glint in his eye, proceeded to drink his way into oblivion.
Other members of the North followed his lead & at least one member ended up returning his meal to the Restaurants Toilet & by the time Rob arrived several of his team mates were incoherent dribbling wrecks & Captain Andy Bowden realised that the chances of victory were diminishing rapidly

Until this point our Chaperone, Evelin, had been the perfect Hostess. However I began to suspect that the Estonian Team had sent her to sabotage our prospects & on leaving Troika she suggested that we visit a traditional Estonian Bar where they serve a drink unique to the Pub.
My fears were heightened, when on entering the small drinking hole we encountered several Estonians passed out on the Bar & those still standing resembled characters from the Michael Jackson Thriller Video.
Evelin ordered a round of 'Millimallicas' a drink that seemed to contain Estonian Moonshine & Tabasco which rips the skin from your mouth & throat as it goes down.
The drinks were served by a Man who was 50 at the most, however Evelin swore that he had worked there for over 60 years. Not wanting to question her integrity we assumed that Estonian Years must be slightly differant to Human Years !!

Matt Crawley, now on his second wind, downed 4 Millimallicas a record broken the following night by Ernie McDade

Bizarrely the team met Roy Wood from Wizard in the Pub with No Name, not sure why he was there but apparently he is not a huge fan of Ice Cricket